About Me

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A place where dreams come tru, Jamaica
'She knows nothing about life; but too much about living.'

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Do you? 2 daddy, forever. from me to you.

Thank god for grantin' me this moment of clarity, this moment of honesty;
for ya'll to feel my truth.
Through my hard Knock Lifetime, the Gift and the Curse;
I gave you volume after volume of my work.
I built my dynasty by being one of the realest bitches out;
way before your Reasonable doubt.
Just listen..

I opened my beautiful brown eyes at 6:10 am, on June 7th 1988. Born to Yvette Matthews, Badd Brooklyn hairdresser with an attitude to match. I guess it was too much, it drove my father away.
Speaking of father's, His name is Avery Gordon; Military Nigga. Born&Bread Panamanian. Dark-skin stallion. Supposedly, He swept my mother off her feet; too bad the nigga doesn't have that same effect on me.
Bitter? Never. Upset, Hurt, maybe even Neglected? a little. but life goes on right?
But what if it didn't?
What if it wasn't that fuckin' easy for you to just neglect your seed?
Like there isn't an individual out there that doesn't carry your same milk chocolate complexion and space-tooth smile.
I know this sounds wierd; But do you ever think of me? real shit like, If I ever got hurt or if another nigga took your place after a while?
Did you ever think about what my grades were like, if ever went to college?
Ever stay up at night wondering if i was in good health, did i need a blood transfusion Or when was the last time a had a home cooked meal?
One time, did you look down at your watch to wonder what i was doing at that very moment wherever I was?
Doubt it.

No disrespect to my Mother, But Fuck whatever happened between you and her.
What about me?
I didn't Cheat on you.
I never yelled at you.
Son, I never kicked you out.

Birthdays,Holidays and Vacations, Came and went.
Did you Call?
Come by and maybe we were out? even so, did you wait?
wasn't worth it?
Did you call?
Did you try?
I just wonder, Do you ever think of me?

I'm 20 years old ow.
No pissy-pew sob stories, No ghetto life.
Just the unadulterated stuggle.
did you struggle?
Doubt it?
Don't worry now, I didn't either.
Thank's Mom.
Epitome of Woman.
Whatever she did to you she made up for; atleast by me.
My Mother never allowed us to stuggle.
she worked twice as hard to make up for those christmas' and bithday's YOU missed.
When I was younger I used to think about you all the time.
I wondered about your new life.
How cool it would be to say 'my daddy' to one of my friends?
I'd imagine, how mad I would get if you told me I couldn't date til' I was 18?
How cool it would be to go to work with you?
Especially, how much easier it would've been to decipher the Good men from the Lame niggas?
Maybe i'd know how hot the sun was in Panama.
I'd probably be fluent in Spanish.
I could even imagine not being skinny because i was eating rice and beans all the time.
My aunts teaching me to dance La Bamba.

This is all a dream to me, I don't wanna wake up.

"Miss Matthews.."
..But i gotta wake up since you weren't man enough to sign my Birth Certificate I don't even have you last name.
It's cool though I don't hate you.
I can't hate you.
I see you every morning when I look in the mirror.
I will tell you that I've met a REAL man and I know what REAL love feels like.I hope it burns you that it took a MAN years younger than you to show me that.
I just want to know, Do you ever think of me?

Stay up.


I AM NIQUE said...

I see you getting deep on the blogspot, I appericate this because my father was one of those dudes that came around when the kid was old enough to take care of themselves. And like you my first love was the man who showed me male affection and what to accept and not to accept. I like this entry you kept it funkiie and relatable, and trust me there's a lot of out there.

sweetesttaboo. said...

love you nettie.
remember you always have a family that cares for u.
u have grown up lovely,
and God doesnt give u anything u cant handle.
& altho these feelings are justified,
i know u have an incredible amount of strength.

chavita!!! <3 said...

wow that was a beautiful painting of words...im glad you let that out, you can tell by your words your a strong women and keep fighting girl show that nigguh wat he's missing....:)