Do you? 2 daddy, forever. from me to you.

Thank god for grantin' me this moment of clarity, this moment of honesty;
for ya'll to feel my truth.
Through my hard Knock Lifetime, the Gift and the Curse;
I gave you volume after volume of my work.
I built my dynasty by being one of the realest bitches out;
way before your Reasonable doubt.
Just listen..

I opened my beautiful brown eyes at 6:10 am, on June 7th 1988. Born to Yvette Matthews, Badd Brooklyn hairdresser with an attitude to match. I guess it was too much, it drove my father away.
Speaking of father's, His name is Avery Gordon; Military Nigga. Born&Bread Panamanian. Dark-skin stallion. Supposedly, He swept my mother off her feet; too bad the nigga doesn't have that same effect on me.
Bitter? Never. Upset, Hurt, maybe even Neglected? a little. but life goes on right?
But what if it didn't?
What if it wasn't that fuckin' easy for you to just neglect your seed?
Like there isn't an individual out there that doesn't carry your same milk chocolate complexion and space-tooth smile.
I know this sounds wierd; But do you ever think of me? real shit like, If I ever got hurt or if another nigga took your place after a while?
Did you ever think about what my grades were like, if ever went to college?
Ever stay up at night wondering if i was in good health, did i need a blood transfusion Or when was the last time a had a home cooked meal?
One time, did you look down at your watch to wonder what i was doing at that very moment wherever I was?
Doubt it.

No disrespect to my Mother, But Fuck whatever happened between you and her.
What about me?
I didn't Cheat on you.
I never yelled at you.
Son, I never kicked you out.

Birthdays,Holidays and Vacations, Came and went.
Did you Call?
Come by and maybe we were out? even so, did you wait?
wasn't worth it?
Did you call?
Did you try?
I just wonder, Do you ever think of me?

I'm 20 years old ow.
No pissy-pew sob stories, No ghetto life.
Just the unadulterated stuggle.
did you struggle?
Doubt it?
Don't worry now, I didn't either.
Thank's Mom.
Epitome of Woman.
Whatever she did to you she made up for; atleast by me.
My Mother never allowed us to stuggle.
she worked twice as hard to make up for those christmas' and bithday's YOU missed.
When I was younger I used to think about you all the time.
I wondered about your new life.
How cool it would be to say 'my daddy' to one of my friends?
I'd imagine, how mad I would get if you told me I couldn't date til' I was 18?
How cool it would be to go to work with you?
Especially, how much easier it would've been to decipher the Good men from the Lame niggas?
Maybe i'd know how hot the sun was in Panama.
I'd probably be fluent in Spanish.
I could even imagine not being skinny because i was eating rice and beans all the time.
My aunts teaching me to dance La Bamba.

This is all a dream to me, I don't wanna wake up.

"Miss Matthews.."
..But i gotta wake up since you weren't man enough to sign my Birth Certificate I don't even have you last name.
It's cool though I don't hate you.
I can't hate you.
I see you every morning when I look in the mirror.
I will tell you that I've met a REAL man and I know what REAL love feels like.I hope it burns you that it took a MAN years younger than you to show me that.
I just want to know, Do you ever think of me?

Stay up.

Boss Bitch. (revised from Maya Angelou's Phenominal Woman.)

"Aye Slim, Lemme walk with you,"
I laugh because this nigga thinks it's cool to be addressing me from the other side of the street.
I guess he think's I'll walk over to him and give him some play.
Nah.I don't think so.
It's the stride of my hips, the MAC on my lips, the shine of my weave; i'm bossy.
Boss Bitch, That's me.

I walk into the Club, late as can be. No free before one line I paid my entry fee.
Switching my hips with nuff attitude, I ain't friendly; sorry if I seem rude.
It's the weed in the air, The Bouncing of my hair, the shimmer on my eyes that got you hypnotized.
I'm Bossy.
Boss bitch, that's me.

I know you may wonder where I get my confidence from or why I boast with pride; I tell them it's the independence that i crave, The need to be self made.
I'm bossy.
Boss bitch, that's me.

When the haters see me, they wonder why I'm alone. If I don't have a nigga and why Im always at home; I tell them,
Niggas Lie, Bitches ain't shit. if it ain't bout money, it's irrelevant. It's the Money in my Hand, The lack of a man, The weed that i smoke makes me wanna boast.
I'm bossy.
Boss bitch, that's me.

These Nigga's wanna know me, Make me wifey status. Take me to their mom's crib, do I look average? I tell them, it's the car i drove outside, the shades that cover my eyes, the diamonds in my ring doesn't allow me to be exposed to these things. I'm Bossy.
Boss Bitch that's me.

Now don't think i'm snobby or too pretentious, let's just say i'm real and i know your intentions. How about we keep it funky and I tell you what it is.. Im bossy like a mothafucka,
This is How I Live.

Me&He™

I'm Not perfect.
I lie without reason.
I Curse Uncontrollably.
Sometimes when i feel like my back is against the wall, i may show signs of weakness.
It doesn't take much for me to feel neglected.
I make irrational decisions.
I chose Bad friends.
I'm a hopless Romantic.
I am a self-diagnosed weed addict.
I care too much about me to care about others from time to time.
I can be naiive.
Im easily distracted.
I'm impatient.
I'm super emotional.

I love a Man who isn't perfect.
He lies because he think he's protecting me.
He curses like a sailor.
When he feels like his back is against the wall, he runs.
He makes me feel neglected.
He does what he wants, when he wants.
His friends are his life.
He Gives love; then takes it back.
He smokes like a chimney.
He is definetly into himself and those that can do for him.
according to him, he knows everything.
He Cheats.
He loses his patience quickly

Sometimes i hate him.
Sometimes i feel like i'm dying without him.
He makes me cry, but he is the only one that can make me REALLY laugh.
He makes me feel inferior, yet makes me feel like there's no place he'd rather be.
He is my source of frustration, yet my only sense of solace.

Apart we may stumble; but Together we won't fall. He isn't pefect and neither am I; That's why i Love him.

Baby. Momma. Ambitions

*Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up.

*If two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Let me start by sayin, BABY MOMMA is not an ambition. Ladies stop walking around calling yourselves 'so and so's babymomma.' That term should be banned from the english language. That term would be equivalent to 'NIGGER'. yeah i said it. i feel like if you consider yourself a man's babymomma instead of the mother of a child, then your the one with the issues. DON'T get madd when your 'Babydaddy' disrespects you. DON'T get mad if other females disrespect your title because, you made it that way. You disrespected your title. wait. Before you scroll down lemme explain, when your with your baby's father and his friends ask who you are and you say, 'John's* babymomma', people are gonna analyze that situation so much differently then you imagined it in your head. Now don't get me wrong, i know tons of wonderful unwed mothers BIGG UPS LADIES. and they hold their positions to the Tee. They would never let anyone call them a BABYMOMMA, they are either still in relationships with the Child's father; therefore they are girlfriends, or if not they are independent meaning alone and comfortable in this instance, not needing a man to defy YOU. I'm not saying people are aren't put into situations where they can't help but do it alone, i commend you strong individuals. Do not succumb to a title or an image because you and another individual bore life. If you were married you'd be a wife right? get it? good. I love being a woman. Especially a black woman. We run this. believe it or not, we have to make a difference. The Difference. I-nity.

Life's Seasons.. Thanx Jendayi

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season. LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime. PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON, A SEASON, OR A LIFETIME… EMBRACE ALL EQUALLY!!!

L.O.V.E

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

Antoinette Marie; I am me... [to be continued]

God is my savior.
Mommy; My Reason.
Daddy; The Donor.
Khori; The brightest Star.
Alysse; The pistol to my holster.
Gramma; My Crutch. My Seam.
Pop-Pop; The worlds Greatest.
Grandpa; Prisoner. Of. War
Auntie Anne; My Everything.
Uncle John; The last of a dying breed.
Uncle Richard; The wind beneath my wings.
Auntie Pam; The Bionnicle woman.
Auntie Pat; My source of Solace.
Paige; the eptiome of woman.
Vikki; My alter Ego.
Jordan; The key to my Heart.
Kobe; Prince Charming.
H.I.M; The Love of my Life.
Chantel; Miss independent, that's why i love her.
Anne C; Bah-dade-rah.
Safiyah; My favorite red Bitch.
JahKUSH; I'll do anything necessary for her; she'll never let the necessary occur.
LoriAnne; My Ace Boon Coon.
Candice; Mi madd, Badd fren.
Amanda; The best listener.
Neffy; GRAH!
Kiesha; Coogi Queen, Swagga on a hundred, Thousand, Trillion.
Natalie; the Real ting.
Brittany B; The wife.
Scott B; The Father i never wanted but needed.
Aja B; My Military brat.
Laurie B; The warmest Vanilla Sugar.
Nick McGowan; The cherry picker.

Allow me to re-introduce Myself.

Approaching the end of 2008, it's been a long time coming; I been through madd shit. Lost madd friends. met new ones; let them close enough to stabb me in my back.. the nerve of these coward bitches OMG! Bitches ain't shit. It's always the ones that you let up in your circle that violate; Just for the Record, you can love me or hate me.. i swear it wont make me or break me. Believe it or not, those same People who put me through drama/stress/turmoil throughout 08' made me exactly who i am. time for me to justify my Thug!

First, to my Real Goons. you know who you are. ya'll bitches are the ones that kept me sane.helped me decipher the real from fake, the friends from the foes. When it felt like shit couldn't get any better it was you guys who shook me out of it. Late Nights that led to early Mornings, Smoke sessions, Hotel link-ups the whole shaBANG i don't know where i would be without you. The Friends that were there for the best and the worst and The Hurdles in between.

Jackie- STUPPiD BiRCh. let me start out by saying I love you nigga. we been through it all and we still at it, the realest nigga in the room. My goon kept it real when i wasn't trying to here that real shit, gave me a source of solace when the world seemed too crowded. Stood up for me when i was too weak to stand up for myself. Followed me on my Blank missions, piss-up babymommas, jealous hoes and posers. never, not one time have you said " I told you so.." we cursed each other out madd times, fought everything..I guess i got my swagga Back. My Bestie, my Compadre, The Laverne to my Shirley, my Ace. M.O.N.. Nigga what? Common, Hypa snypa, Planters Nut, Delmonte[insida] CHHHAAAT! the whole nine. Young& insane, that's us. Ganja babies. party princesses. Fuck ride or die we'd rather smoke and Fly..Nothing but death can keep me from her. My Bitch til' the casket drop.. Who Hotta?

Lori- Yo mi puppa. where do i start? hmm lets see, freshman year in Medical Skills, 4th hour. from day one i knew we'd be inseperable. Bad nuh bloodcleet, Skull school, Smoke weed and ting. Those were the days when we had not a care in the world. Man ah di least, or so you taught me. Graduation. Real life. boy were we unprepared. This shit was harder than we thought eeeh? Good friends better than pocket money, especially when she know the weed man dem! LOL! We Laughed,Cried, partied and Bullshit.. Nights pon gully Side. Tower power too.. We GLOBAL! Royal oaks, hamlet we boss Bitches. You taught me to be strong when it came to matters of the heart. you say, 'So wait, you waan married now eeh?' and just like that i got my game face on. Twis-Up baby mama drama, ain't shit. The only Bitch i know that'll kick a nigga outta her bed for me. THE TRILLEST. I love you like cooked food.

Candice- Mi step inna di club ah dance rubb-a-dubb. You took me to my first party.. bought me my first drink.. you've always been like a big sister to me. Picture Tek. Poolside. setting sail at banana boat. Anytime me, you, kat and rodline step inna di building the place madd! when some waste bwoy did ah gwan di most way and you ah tell me from 04' fi loe di careless bwoy and it's like mi nah hear..you see if dem nah hear, well ah bullet fi dem..damn we were Flossy as Fuck. North Lauderdale Nights that led to mornings. you ah di real Boss! I been gone for a minute now i'm back with the jump-off goons in the club incase something jumps-off. I love you candy red.

Tazmanian Devil, piss-up dogg shit. you know who you are. you upside-down bitch. Time's up. Cry a river, build a bridge and get the fuck over it. it's not my fault your bitter. this will be the last time i make any reference to you and your existance. you make me sick. it's because of bitches like you that females like me have to suffer. you had a good MAN you fucked up and now he's moved on.. i'm not your issue; you are. put on your big girl panties and realize that. you can spend the rest of your life trying to fight it.. but it's inevitable.. i'm the shit. take a whiff. I'm not saying im better than you, honestly i don't have to.. the proof is in the pudding babes. By the way; stop lying to him about me. you dont' know me. me nd you don't talk.. none of you twist-up fren dem don't know me neither so come offa mi bumboclaat name str8! member, No gyal Cyan DHL or Uhaul Me..You'e not a goon nor a goblin, more like a grass-cutting fairy. [Mani ownz].

*Bring on the future Cause i'm done with the past. 2009 and beyond.

The Emancipation Of Nettie.

This is dedicated to the one I loved:
Yo.
where do i start?
how bout not, let's just finish;
right where we left off.
No more lies. No more untrust. No more drama.
I'm done.
with you, this and us.
Never.
will i cry over a man like you.
will i believe something that I know isn't true.
will i act like i don't love you.
it's for the best.
you, me and she (or them) doesn't work.
I can pretend, but this shit hurts.
Like a bitch.
sex, lies and ganja.
The cause and cure. Gift and the Curse.
can we overcome?
Nah.
Friends?
don't push it.
the time has come; we've ran our course.
it was fun. I learned alot. lived a little, I guess.
Someone else?
Yup.
Me.
I don't hate you, let's face it; i can't.
I hate how you've made me feel.
I hate the fact that i didn't get to tell you this face to face.
Your a great guy.
Funny, educated, Motivated..
i could go on & on but a blog can only be so long.
we aren't for each other.
I need more.
I deserve more.
more than you know.
I'm glad i met you.
I'm sorry that it had to come to this.
not as sorry as you'll be